Skip to main content

Pause the Clause

 I am not ready for Christmas. I am sure my family is so tired of hearing me say it. I say it even though I am 90 percent finished with shopping. My tree is decorated. Most of my Christmas cards are out. 

But I keep focusing on the fact that it’s 10 days until Christmas and I feel so rushed. And so am fixated on what has not been accomplished . We have not baked one cookie. I have wrapped nothing. ( I so loathe wrapping). I know these things will get done in time. They always do. 

I’ve come to realize I am most frustrated because of missing the experience of the Christmas season. It’s just not as fun as it was 10, 15 years ago. My kids are teens and their Christmas list is very specific — complete with links to stores. I ask myself, why even wrap the stuff? They know exactly what they are getting. They get less stuff ( less wrapping!!! Yay!), but more expensive (boo.). 

I haven’t watched one Christmas movie in its entirety. I haven’t driven the kids to gaze at lights. I haven’t attended one Christmas musical performance. My girls wanted me to attend the school elementary program for fun. My response was I have zero kids in the elementary program. Why would I want to do that? I probably should have gone. 

I feel sad because Christmas the last couple years has felt like something I need to get through. I have things I need to buy and things I want to do “after Christmas.” Because of the expense and time involved I am so wrapped up ( pardon the pun) in the duties of it all. 

December has been difficult again this year. Last year our household started the month with covid. And my mom had a stroke Dec 20. 

This year we have had repeated car issues. All three vehicles have been broken down. One hit a deer. And I smacked into our van with a borrowed vehicle. Sigh. It just never ends. I’ve been dealing with some health issues and the girls seem busier and more stressed than ever. 

My response to all of this is to pause Christmas. I wish like crazy God could grant us a bonus week in December this year. Or that we could hit pause until I’m ready. Until I feel merry and bright. 

I realize this is just the season we’re in. There will be brighter seasons in years to come as we welcome sons in law and grandchildren. Honestly that is my root issue. Time has gone way too quickly. No more toys. No more Santa. No more eager little girls in zippered pajamas sitting behind the baby gate Christmas morning ready to tear into presents. That’s over now. Subconsciously it has stolen my joy and I’ve chosen to let the “busy” distract my grief. I wish I could’ve paused those Christmas pasts… enjoyed them longer than a blink of an eye. 

I am praying I can relish more in the true meaning of Christmas these next 9 days. I am praying for soaking up the season of our life where teenagers want to sleep in, get cash and eat me out of the house. I will miss these days, too. So I am going to hit pause and thank God for this time before it is also gone. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Setting Up Camp

 There's that overly used saying, "It takes a village." Well, as I navigate raising three 17 -year-olds and an almost-20 year-old in college, the village is more like a small camp. I'm not talking cult-like camps. I'm talking a small gathering of tents with occupants who sit by the fire and listen and pray. This is not literal. I don't like to camp. (Camp fire smell in my hair. Ew.) This is just the terminology with which I came up.  Teenagers don't like anyone in their business. Especially mom and dad. If you're fortunate, they will invite you into their business because they know you will pray for them. They also hope you will give them direction. And they often want you to tell them everything will go just the way they want it and you will also tell them to do what they want to do even if they know it is not what they should do. Did you follow that trail through the woods? I have teenage girls. Three of the four of them are rather forthcoming with w...
Post a Comment
Read more

Barbie's single, but my girls are "married"

The girls are just overwhelmingly growing up. I know that sounds odd...but at 3 years old these triplets seem to be leaping into childhood's next level. Don't get me wrong -- they still return to the two-year-old moments of "Mine!" and "Noooooo!" However, they are growing. It is sometimes scary to me. I'm being completely honest. Our conversations are more intense. They ask all kinds of questions. They communicate with each other in such a grown up way...my husband said the other night "I was listening to (Tiny) and (FunnyGirl) talking to each other and though 'Wow. They are talking really well and they're having real conversations." Even their playtime is maturing. Instead of running with baby dolls and throwing them on the floor, they now understand the concept of nurturing them -- Tiny was always doing this, but now they each place the babies in a bed, neatly cover them, "calm" them, and insist that everyone in the room ...
1 comment
Read more

Moving on: Hauling the hurts in your U-haul

  There are many joys in motherhood just as there are hurts.  When we are in the thick of it, I think we tend to dwell in the latter.  For longer than I care to admit, the hurt has not come  from my own family. I tend to dwell on hurts from those who are no longer in our lives but choose to whisper about us in huddles. It hurts. Whether it is about one of my daughters. My husband. And sometimes even if it is about me.  It hurts. It especially hurts when it is those in the Christian community. We can "Matthew 18:15-20" until we are blue in the face. Sometimes, it just continues.... It's been about two years of hearing from others how the name of someone or all of us in my household has been dragged through the mud because of misunderstanding. Only one side of a story is often told. And that is the story that has wings.    We made attempts at reconciliation in all incidents. Our family is not perfect. We each had our moments of not handling matters grace...
Post a Comment
Read more