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Pause the Clause

 I am not ready for Christmas. I am sure my family is so tired of hearing me say it. I say it even though I am 90 percent finished with shopping. My tree is decorated. Most of my Christmas cards are out. 

But I keep focusing on the fact that it’s 10 days until Christmas and I feel so rushed. And so am fixated on what has not been accomplished . We have not baked one cookie. I have wrapped nothing. ( I so loathe wrapping). I know these things will get done in time. They always do. 

I’ve come to realize I am most frustrated because of missing the experience of the Christmas season. It’s just not as fun as it was 10, 15 years ago. My kids are teens and their Christmas list is very specific — complete with links to stores. I ask myself, why even wrap the stuff? They know exactly what they are getting. They get less stuff ( less wrapping!!! Yay!), but more expensive (boo.). 

I haven’t watched one Christmas movie in its entirety. I haven’t driven the kids to gaze at lights. I haven’t attended one Christmas musical performance. My girls wanted me to attend the school elementary program for fun. My response was I have zero kids in the elementary program. Why would I want to do that? I probably should have gone. 

I feel sad because Christmas the last couple years has felt like something I need to get through. I have things I need to buy and things I want to do “after Christmas.” Because of the expense and time involved I am so wrapped up ( pardon the pun) in the duties of it all. 

December has been difficult again this year. Last year our household started the month with covid. And my mom had a stroke Dec 20. 

This year we have had repeated car issues. All three vehicles have been broken down. One hit a deer. And I smacked into our van with a borrowed vehicle. Sigh. It just never ends. I’ve been dealing with some health issues and the girls seem busier and more stressed than ever. 

My response to all of this is to pause Christmas. I wish like crazy God could grant us a bonus week in December this year. Or that we could hit pause until I’m ready. Until I feel merry and bright. 

I realize this is just the season we’re in. There will be brighter seasons in years to come as we welcome sons in law and grandchildren. Honestly that is my root issue. Time has gone way too quickly. No more toys. No more Santa. No more eager little girls in zippered pajamas sitting behind the baby gate Christmas morning ready to tear into presents. That’s over now. Subconsciously it has stolen my joy and I’ve chosen to let the “busy” distract my grief. I wish I could’ve paused those Christmas pasts… enjoyed them longer than a blink of an eye. 

I am praying I can relish more in the true meaning of Christmas these next 9 days. I am praying for soaking up the season of our life where teenagers want to sleep in, get cash and eat me out of the house. I will miss these days, too. So I am going to hit pause and thank God for this time before it is also gone. 

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