There are many joys in motherhood just as there are hurts.
When we are in the thick of it, I think we tend to dwell in the latter.
For longer than I care to admit, the hurt has not come from my own family. I tend to dwell on hurts from those who are no longer in our lives but choose to whisper about us in huddles.
It hurts.
Whether it is about one of my daughters. My husband. And sometimes even if it is about me.
It hurts.
It especially hurts when it is those in the Christian community. We can "Matthew 18:15-20" until we are blue in the face. Sometimes, it just continues....
It's been about two years of hearing from others how the name of someone or all of us in my household has been dragged through the mud because of misunderstanding. Only one side of a story is often told. And that is the story that has wings.
We made attempts at reconciliation in all incidents. Our family is not perfect. We each had our moments of not handling matters gracefully and admit our wrongs.
Most of us have moved on. Even as old scenarios resurface and rumors continue after all of this time...my kids and husband shrug it off. They packed up their emotional U-Haul and dumped it to the side of the road.
I sadly did not move on from the pain as my family members have. My U-Haul was still hitched to my ride. (If you know how I drive, you know this is dangerous in a lot of ways!)
I often said I was not one to care if people liked the way I parented, or if they judged me personally..
That is very true.
I DID care, however, if they hurt my family. Words against my five favorite people were cause for fury in my sinful heart.
But God.
He has been carefully restoring me through this season. God in His infinite wisdom has allowed this season of disappointment to teach me a few things.
Each time those words got to my ears, each time I heard another opinion swirling in the air about my people, I was distracted. I let the weeds entangle me. And I got angry. Then I got sad. I have cried more times than I can count. "Why are Christians so mean?" I could not get past this.
And my time was robbed of the mission. Two years.
I work in ministry. I serve in my church. I put a lot of time in serving. But oh, how much time I wasted giving Satan a foothold and wallowing in self-pity!
God did not call me to the mission of caring about what people say about my family and drowning in it. He DID NOT give me permission to drive this stupid U-Haul around for two years. He did not command me to feel sorry for my family -- my daughters, my husband, simply because I cannot put duct tape on the mouths of other believers. (I was definitely carrying rolls of duct tape in that U-Haul, let me tell you!)
This is not my cross to bear.
He speaks to me through His Word that I am to be "transformed by the renewing of my mind(Romans 12:2)." He reminds me that "No weapon be formed against me (or my family) shall prosper (Isaiah 54:17)."
The weapon is formed. And it has daggers, and it comes on strong. And yes, sometimes the enemy arms the Christian with those weapons while they believe they are being righteous in their judgements.
But it will not prosper; not if we are wearing the armor and keeping our gaze on the One leading us through.
My gaze had shifted. My armor had slipped off.
All because I chose to dwell on PEOPLE .
And God reminds me, my role is to be my husband's helper and supporter. I am a missionary for my children as we raise disciples. I am not their defender. HE is the Great Defender.
One of the girls sings a beautiful song called "Great Defender." I cry every time she has sung it because I often thought of how He has defended me in my lifetime. Only recently I was struck with how He defends my girls and my faithful husband. One of the lines to the song says, "You have saved me. So much better YOUR way..."
Oh, how silly I am.
My hurt was oh so real. . But my dwelling defensiveness was not necessary.
We need to be careful, moms. As we have a tendency to be on guard for our children, we have to learn how to wrangle the lions, tigers and bears that come at us -- even if they come "in the name of Jesus."
The solution is to ask God to help us to respond and not to react.
Even if we get that first part wrong, (as I am sure I have), we can rest assure it is not ours to continue to carry with us into the next chapter.
God works all things for our good. He gives us a testimony. He allows all of our pain -- our children's pain, too -- for the sake of pruning and strengthening us. Let Him do His thing.
Consider this as well: Don't hide your scars. Jesus certainly didn't.
We can either rejoice in the fact "what the enemy meant for evil, God meant for good," or we can let bitterness take root and allow our testimony to be darkened.
Ask yourself: Did God ask me to dwell on this? Does He want me to continue to carry this?
If the answer is no, then be like Elsa and "Let it go." Or in case of the U-Haul, unhitch it and "Let it roll."
The only time you need to return to it is for the sake of giving God the Glory.
Greater is He.
Thank you, Jesus.
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