September

 There’s this darkness trying to overshadow God’s divine plan for me as a parent. In the last five days the enemy has put up road blocks meant to destroy my faith. He allowed a conservative group’s policy to tell me my pregnancies were not necessary but “still valuable.” My heart sunk into my feet as my testimony was challenged. Yet, I got up, dusted off my lap and moved forward with the truth and chose to  let the light shine on it. 

In the same week I was told by someone I value that  I was  just not competent  … not able… to do something significant. I got defensive, but inside I believed it was true to the core. I had to wrestle the devil head on with that one. The grip on me was penetrating. 

Tonight my heart just aches as a parent because I feel like such a failure… staying true to our foundations is so painfully awkward and almost embarrassing. The enemy got in my head again… whispering how dare I teach women how to parent each week when I have no idea what I’m doing. He told me a long list of lies about my future as a parent. Fears settled into my stomach and twisted it until I cried. Oh, how easy it would be to just give up on all of it.  I am tempted…

September has a history of darkness for me. The hardest moments of my life happened in September, including the day I was told pregnancy was not likely for me. That, of course, was a lie. It was the month I nearly took the devil’s advice to stop existing- even though I had four small children. That was a trick to divert God’s plan for me. 

I’m currently  reading a book where the author reminds the reader to hold the sword and the shield at the same time… not one without the other. The sword is the Word, the shield is Faith. I’m in the beginning of a new chapter of my life that will give testimony to the previous chapters… my journey to becoming a parent, to surviving all the attacks of the enemy . 

The devil is stinking mad. So. Stinking mad. 

And like every September and all of the other 11 months, his tantrums will not matter. Each trial has given me more testimony to share the goodness of God. 

He likes to tell me my words fall on deaf ears and blind eyes. He likes to tell me what people think of me when they read what I share. 

There’s something greater in me that prompts me to push forward anyway.