Mother's Day Presence

 Mother's Day is upon us.

Some of us struggle a little bit with this day. We often hear about the ones who lost their moms, the ones who never got to be a mom, or the ones who are estranged from their mom.

There's another one we miss in that thoughtful analysis.

There's the one who became a mom, has her mom still alive, even hears her voice occasionally on the phone.

But her mom is not always THERE.

The physical distance is not far. 

Yet she is not willing to be present.

This woman struggles with the idea of embracing Mother's Day because her mom chooses her own wants over her children. I work in an environment where I see broken young women regularly. Some of them are in these scenarios. I used to do prison ministry in the local female prison. Their stories are similar. 

Mom loved them. But Mom chose drugs or alcohol or various men -- before considering her kids. And often times she was the most passionate mom who CLAIMED these kids were "her world," and that "nobody better mess with my babies." 

Yet.

Her babies did not feel that passion. They were just words.

"Call me if you need anything."

"I'm always here if you need me."

Lies.

When the problems arose, this mom would choose her own desires first. She made excuses or sent someone in her place. She never showed up when her daughter needed her.

Days later she might call and tell her child she was "so concerned" about her and was "worried sick."

But she was not present when her daughter needed that shoulder. 

For whatever reason, this kind of mom fears being uncomfortable. She prefers to cling to what makes her feel good -- whether it's the drugs, alcohol, men/sex or less damaging choices such as binge watching TV or sleeping. 

The daughter would soon stop reaching out to her and asking for her help. She stopped making the effort to spend time with her for fear of another excuse. In time the mom would notice the distance and quickly respond by calling her daughter "disrespectful" and telling others that her children do not care about her. The mom would soon grow bitter and start making statements such as "You only call when you want something." Or " You don't care if I fall over dead."

The daughter, too, grew bitter and pulled away even more. Why was her mom so selfish? Why was the daughter (or son) never enough for her? 

The daughter might even feel guilty and realize she needs to make efforts. She will choose to raise her children differently and be the most available mom she could ever be. 

The grandchildren arrive and suddenly the mom is very happy -- even boastful. She wants to spoil the grandchildren with presents -- but once again -- she lacks presence.

More excuses. More missed opportunities. Soon, the grandchildren are hurt and even angry. The daughter's hurts cut even deeper because this repeated absence is trickling into her own offspring when she did all she could to avoid such a scenario.

The pattern continues. The daughter stops making the invites for fear of disappointment for now not only herself, but also her children. The mom continues to seek pity from anyone who will listen by telling them her adult children do not care about her and neither do her grandchildren. She refuses to attend celebrations because she  says she feels "unwanted." 

The daughter wrestles with guilt and tries to make peace. However, as aging settles in, the stubbornness of the mom grows even colder. The daughter settles with the fact that her mother may have had mom issues of her own growing up. She may not have understood she was being selfish. Or perhaps, she really felt entitled to her own happiness before everyone else. Either way, the daughter chooses to hold on to the few memories of her mother's physical presence. She learned not to allow guilt to overwhelm her. She chose to be a different mom. She chose to know that this was the mom God gave her. 

And she chose to believe He has a reason and a purpose. And even if she spends Mother's Day without her mother's cooperation, it is a blessed day. God knows her heart. And He knows her mom's heart as well. 

That is all that matters in the end.