I have a job where I teach parenting classes. I teach relationship classes. And some days I really believe that I suck at both areas.
Without going into details, I have had a rotten two to three weeks. I am a sensitive person (which I truly dislike about myself). So when everything dumps on me, I eventually melt down. The more it rains on me, the more times I melt.
My oldest daughter has a list in her locker that says "days since I cried." There was time this school year she had zero.
These last few days, I can relate, Zero.
Today a doctor asked me, "So how are you?" and without control at all on my part, those stupid tears came into my eyes. My bottom lip quivered.
"I'm ok," I said. He replied something along the lines that life is hard,
I feel like I fail when I melt down in front of my kids. I have had moments the last couple weeks where I get angry and snap out loud about my internal frustrations. I have stomped out of the house in the dark and declared I needed to go for a walk. (I don't recommend this unless you have lights attached to you.)
I have cried in the van while driving to and from places. I have apologized profusely to them.
This was all since Thursday. Today is Monday.
I have to sometimes take a step back and think, what would I tell my clients if they just described this scenario? I would tell them that your children see you as human, They need to. You can't hide everything from them. On the flip side, you can't dump every detail on them. I was a child who was dumped on. I knew way too much as a child. I carried my family's burdens with me everywhere (I still do). Because of that, I am now frightened to do the same to my kids. They do not need to carry mom's issues.
If this is you in any form, know this: God has allowed you and I to face the scenarios of our past and present for a purpose, We are strengthened by His will. I would not be a half-decent consultant in my office if I had a perfect upbringing. We just have to draw lines as to where we let that past influence creep in on us. It can help us if we don't let it wreck us,
Instead of dwelling on that long list of things I felt I did wrong the last few days, I need to think about how I handled scenarios correctly. More than once I told them I wish I had all the answers. I told them the enemy (Satan) likes to cut us down to defeat our purpose in life. I then told them He never wins because we have Jesus. I prayed for my kids this week -- both privately and one on one with those that especially needed it. I hugged them. I told them I was proud of them. I asked them to forgive me for my faults and sometimes poor examples.
I have to also remind myself that the good stuff I did is working. The most meaningful response came on Friday. I decided to go for a quick morning walk as they were going to school. My one daughter had not really opened up to me much lately. I often wondered if she was upset with me or just trying to avoid me. As I walked out the end of the drive. I heard her 15 year-old voice yell "Mommy!" I turned around. She said it again. "Mommy!" and she jumped into my arms for a hug. I was not prepared and nearly fell over. I squeezed her extra tightly.She said to me, "I thought maybe you needed a hug today."
I did.
I really did,
I then went about my walk, tears in my eyes, thanking God for the hard times, It was like a hug from God Himself.
How quickly we forget.
Today I had another hard morning. My husband happened to be working from home,. I know he is stressed and I must drive him crazy. I try not to bother him much.
I came home after texting him how hard it has been. He was there waiting at the door. All he did was open his arms. I cried very hard into his chest. He then prayed out loud for me.
Isn’t that like God? He’s there waiting to hug us as we walk out into our journey. And He’s there to embrace us when we come home. We do the same thing for our kids, don’t we? Let us not forget we are here for a purpose.
Wow, God.
Thank you, Thank you for the hard times.,
Mommas, look for the good. Even if you don't get it in a physical hug, look for the ways God hugs you in your hardest moments. Look at the positive ways you parent. It's there. You got this.,
He's got this.
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