I Died a Few Times This Summer

 How often do we look back at seasons in life and say, "I handled that well"? 

Raise your hand.

I think as moms we often look back at our kids' formative years and think, "Boy, I hope I handled that well."

Or maybe, "Yeah....I messed that up."

I know full well I have not done it all well. Some of it, yes. I am not foolish enough to think that I got it ALL right all the time. I'm in the throws of a new season of parenting where my kids are all legally adults and slowly embarking into their own journeys. 

And that's good.

I'm all about it.

I went through such a grieving time this past year with the triplets' graduating high school. Unless you lived under a rock, never read these blogs or do not follow me on social media, you are fully aware.

With all of that grief (I am doing much better by the way. Two are headed off to college in a month, but I am hanging in.), there were other mountains in my life. I am fairly transparent as a person. That is by choice. However, I am not totally an open book either. So here is just a very teeny ,itsy bitsy snippet:

Since January of this year there has been ALOT. So many frustrations. 

I wrote a lot this year about crying in the bathroom. 

I am beyond that now. There were days I just cried. Often silently. 

Then the triplets' graduated. It's all good, right? 

I am an overthinker. I try very hard to "get it right." And sometimes I do. Other days I do not. I have knee jerk reactions. Then I feel stupid. Why can't I get it right?

I learned to let go of pride and let go of me. I needed to deny myself. “If anyone wishes to come after me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me” (Matthew 16:24)1.

I know I am doing better. I know that because I actually find joy in hard times. I never thought I could say that. Ever. It's not easy, mind you.

In the last three years the Lord has taught me to be ever closer to Him through His word. He has taught me forgiveness for those whom abandoned me/us. He has shown me how to pray for those who hurt me. He has shown me how to worship through the hard times. 

The most beautiful lesson He has embedded deep into my being is the significance of dying to self -- another way of wording "denying oneself.". I "died" over and over since January when things got hard. Each time I fell to my knees, even to my face, I gave Him every angry and bitter thought....every doubt...every fear....every why. 

And EVERY SINGLE TIME He showed up right after I got off the floor. Sometimes it was in that very moment. Other times it was weeks later. But man, He SHOWED UP. 

This summer has been no different.

I gave up Facebook a second time in one year for about six weeks....I pulled away from those who were bringing me down. I did the hard things. I did them because I knew it was necessary. 

Dying to self meant not letting people's feelings get to me or manipulate me or make me feel like I had to be their rescue. I love to help people. It's a gift God has given me. But I had to stop. My mental health was quickly spiraling out of control. I had to step away. Though it may have hurt others, it led me to take a dagger to my pride. I CANNOT do it all. I had to die to self. 

There were days I picked up right where I left off....I began the worry and doubt and fear and tried to control scenarios. And I would have to drop it like it was scalding hot. Because it was. 

In fact, over the days I paused to work on this blog, I did it again. I failed. I reacted. And I felt so incredibly overwhelmed with feeling like a failure. The "what do people think of me when I react?" creeps in and threatens to dismantle everything that had been built in this growing season. 

But I know I need to just die again. 

I died over and over this summer. 

This mom cannot be whom God needs me to be in this new season of parenting nor as a wife or a servant of God while doing it all in my strength. 

And honestly, I am DYING to see what the rest of this year brings. He is faithful. And I am NOT in control.