Hurt People Hurt People

 The triplets and I enjoy watching shows like Law and Order and Dateline. There’s something about figuring out the who is the bad guy and seeing him put to justice. 

In my years as a reporter I was always intrigued by court cases, police reports and affidavits we would have to read and put into print. I just wanted to know why they did what they did. And I then I wanted to see justice. 

I’ve been following the Idaho college murders. Now that a suspect has been caught, I’ve continued to read about it. What was his motive if he is in fact guilty? And if he is guilty I pray God will make it clear and that he is served the ultimate penalty.

I feel that way as a parent. In all of the 13 years my kids have been in school they have faced relationship challenges. Mean kids. Bullies. Brats. Call them what you want. I once heard someone say it is not a bully problem it is a sin  problem. My internal response was, no kidding. Bullying someone is sin. 

Over the years the childhood challenges have changed from someone simply not allowing my child to get out of her seat on the school bus to teenage gossip and petty attitudes. 

I’ve learned throughout the years that as much as I want to drop kick mean kids and would love for my kid to haul off with a good left hook in response, that we ultimately have to try pause and ask why this kid is being a jerk. Imagine where he or she is coming from. Most of the time the kid giving the problem has his or own problem at home or elsewhere in his or her life that we may or may not know about. I often have thought, “well that kid is just spoiled.” Maybe that is true. Is it her fault, though, that she was raised that way and being spoiled was ingrained into who she is? No, it’s not. So do we go slap the parents instead? Back hand the ones who failed to keep their marriage together and pulled their kid in two directions? 

Of course not. As frustrated as people make us, we can’t go into super duper defense mode and attack people. I’ve learned this the hard way. Mama bears often cone out of the cave growling and salivating when someone even smirks at her cub. I always disliked the term mama bear. (But that is for another blog.  ) I’ve taught the girls — over time, mind you- that we have to consider where someone is coming from. It’s become tongue in cheek in our house to say “ hurt people hurt people.” We joke about it when someone is a jerk. It is the truth. If we could investigate the bullies’ lives the way the fbi investigates criminals, I think we’d feel better about probable cause.

 And then there is the punishment. It sucks when  a kid gets away with being mean to your kid. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to knock on a kid’s door, pull him out by his ear and give him the what-what. I’ve fought for discipline on higher levels. I don’t always win  and that is so frustrating.

 We. Want. Justice. 

So what have I learned from dealing with “ the bad guys” in our daughters’ lives? We must pause and look through the lens of Jesus. And we have to trust that He WILL deal with their actions in His way and His time. I have seen it happen. There have been kids who continued to hurt kids other than my own. And after repeat offenses, their justice came for them. The hardest part is when we express our concern and the kid erupts into an even larger monster left unchecked. That monster then gets caught—- but at the expense of a new victim. This is SO frustrating . 

Parents, listen up. We need to be as wise as serpents and gentle as doves. Teach your kids to recognize the poor behavior and respond by pausing. That does not mean they are to be doormats. Let them defend one another and their faith in a firm response. It’s ok to teach them to defend themselves if things get intense. Teach them to have integrity and honesty — even if they stand alone and no one else believes them. We as parents need to be watchful and aware of what our kids are facing. But please remember we need to protect without being a helicopter. Our kids need to experience hurt. And it’s ok to expect justice. When it does not come, we have to remember God is the ultimate Prosecutor. 

Keep open communication with your child. Keep communication with your school staff.  Ask God to help you have compassion for the other kid. This will keep you in check and help you not to lose your crap. Pray for truth and justice. 

My girls love to watch those crime shows because they, too, want to figure it out. They want the bad guy caught. That’s tv. But in real life hurt people hurt people.